every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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