His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
