There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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