nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
