chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
