life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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