sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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