He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
