I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
