She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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