Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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