He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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