I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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