When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
