Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
