we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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