Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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