Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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