i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
