This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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