Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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