I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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