My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
