im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She even gives head with a lisp.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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