We need to rekindle our bromance
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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