Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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