I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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