I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Yo dont text me then not text me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
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