I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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