i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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