Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
