I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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