Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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