Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She's just so happy...and so naked.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
