I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
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It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
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I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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