she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?