The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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