shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
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