I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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