I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
