absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
