If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Randomize
