Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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