sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
