yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
