No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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