There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize