I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
