If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
