Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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