It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
