she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
