take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
