the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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