Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
