Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just gift wrapped bread.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Randomize
