Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
